Don't Shave That Hair!!!

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Posted on: 06 March 2009 08:46 PM

Dazzi

Basic Member

Male, Ripon
United Kingdom

Make: Toyota
Model: Supra SZ (JDM)

Total Posts 1584

"One of my favorite internet story classics pulled from the net. Don't Shave That Hair!!! I have recently made a mistake in my life and I offer my story to you that you may learn from my error. It all started as many things do with me having trouble ting. No I was not constipated; this was not a regularity problem but a matter of technique. It seems my ass-hair had grown to such a length that tiny grogans were constantly getting tied up in the matted jungle between my asscheeks. It led to much frustration with me KNOWING that I still had something to drop but unable to shake the tenacious turd loose from its butthair dwelling. Eventually I would have to do two things: either reach down with some paper and try to pinch off the lingering loaf (which required careful precision to avoid smearing the creature all over my rear especially since I had no way of seeing what I was doing) or just go for broke start wiping and hope that I could remove all the leftover fecal matter before the toilet paper reached its Can't-Be-Flushed threshold. I was contemplating this problem when I had what seemed at the time to be a bright idea. ""Hey! This is my butt and my butt-hair right? So why don't I just eliminate all the hair and then my grogans will flow out like beer from a keg!"" I said to myself. It is a statement that will go down in history with a lot of other regretted statements. ""How many Indians could there be?"" said by General Custer. ""Looks like a good day for a drive!"" by JFK. ""There! America On-Line now has complete Usenet access!"" by some idiot system tech. Such was my anal shaving idea. I performed the operation that night with a cheap disposable razor and a towel to sit on. Starting from the bottom and shaving from the crack to the cheeks I began the arduous process of ridding my ass of hair. Occassionally I would have to clean the razor of accumulated hair and miscellaneous slime which I did by wiping it on the towel. Slowly my twin mounds and the between-ravine began to resemble the hairless cheeks of a newborn baby. Finally I wiped the razor one last time and surveyed my work. The towel was covered with a pile of hair. My ass was smooth as ivory. I smiled satisfied thinking my troubles were over. Little did I know. I now have a great respect for anal-hair. Like everything in this world God created it has its mighty purpose in existence. It was only after I had removed it that I started to learn how much I had been taking it for granted. For one it provides friction. I learned this the next day when I walked out into the sun heading for class. After climbing two flights of stairs and starting to sweat I started to notice something unpleasant. The sweat was accumulating in my crack and was causing the unpleasant sensation of my two asscheeks sliding past each other with every step. I thought about going to the bathroom and wiping it off but had to get to class. Eventually I thought it would dry. Unfortunately it did dry but only after mingling with the microscopic - molecules lingering around my brown starfish. When I stood up after class my cheeks were stuck together with a slimy sticky /sweat combination. As I made my way back to my dorm it started to itch. God-DAMN did it itch! Felt like a swarm of ants was making its way up and down my crack. Fighting to keep from jamming my hand down there and scratching away I rushed back to the dorm. Unfortunately again this exertion caused me to sweat and when I finally reached my room my cheeks were sliding back and forth against each other like a pair of horny cane-toads. I quickly dropped my pants and attempted to dry my ass off by sticking it in front of a fan and spreading my cheeks. As I pulled the two mounds of flesh apart a horrible stench burst free and filled the room. Every dog within a 4 block radius started to howl. I had it worst of all as the ripe aroma of festering /sweat went into the fan and blew back into my face. I fought to keep from heaving. And as I sat there fighting vomit my ass cheeks spread and dripping with the concentrated aroma of my body odor mixed with the tangy smell of my own ****_É‚Äö_Ç¬_ blowing right into my face I had only one thought: ""It will be like this until the hair grows back. Weeks."" Later on trying to deal as best I could wiping my ass at every opportunity I discovered another wonderful use for ass-hair - ventilation. I attempted to launch a fart only to have it get stuck between my asscheeks. Apparently with no hair the two pink twins can get vacuum sealed together and the result was a frustrating fart that slid up and down between my cheeks like a lost gerbil. As if that wasn't enough I am now enduring further torture. As anyone who has ever shaved anything knows when hair is first growing in it comes in as stubble. Imagine your ass having the texture of a brillo pad. Well that is what I am dealing with now. It is a hellish torture and there are many times when I just look out the window and contemplate why I shouldn't just jump out and get it all over with in one fleshy splat rather than endure this constant agony. Friends DON'T SHAVE YOUR ASS-HAIR! "